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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 29, 2012 11:30pm PDT
>> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> what did you think about mitt romney this evening? go? >> i think he was assertive, confident and hungry for the job. >> i found him to be more human and relatable tonig captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and
Comedy Central
Oct 4, 2012 11:30pm PDT
it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told the moderator who works at pbs, i'm going to throw your ass out on the street, old man! you-- (cheers and applause) you, not only you-- but all those freeloading muppets. that takes not just one ball, but two, two enormous balls! (applause) but, folks, as much as i enjoyed the triumph of the willard, what i loved most was the heartwarming pant crapping over at msnbc. >> i was disappointed in the president. i thought he was off his game. i was absolutely stunned tonight. >> there wa
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2012 10:30am PDT
for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest friend in the region. >> they have to abide by their treaty with israel. >> our ally israel. >> our bond w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate i was totally diabetic. (laughter) but, folks, this wasn't
Comedy Central
Oct 30, 2012 10:30am PDT
. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed to romney's grandson! (laughter) and, folks, great points by romney but it's not just what romney said it's the way he didn't say it. >> the president had a very intent look on his face. i wouldn't describe it as a mean look, i would describe it as a man looking for opportunities to strike. >> governor romney, it seemed to me, had this kind of benign default expression in which he appears to be interested most of the time, he has a slight smile on his face but not a smug one. i wonder if hi his was not the more attractive default expression. (laughter) >> stephen: yes! romney's face totally kicked obama's face's ass. (laughter) jimmy, put up romney's default expression. see? see? that's nice. that reminds me of a benevolent angel wa
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 11:30pm PDT
from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to see you. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the "report." thank you for joining us. well, fol
Comedy Central
Oct 3, 2012 10:30am PDT
the law by directly endorsing one of the candidates. it doesn't matter which, either romney or not-obama. (laughter) and to try to force this issue into court the sermons will be recorded and sent to the i.r.s. folks, i like this new rebel attitude from the pulpit. maybe someday we'll turn on fox news and see a high-speed popemobile chase. (laughter) pastor jim garlow, one of the leaders behind freedom sunday says it's all about principle. >> we believe there should be no governmental intrusion in the pulpit at all. a pastor should be-- if he wants to endorse or a oppose a candidate. and that should be the right of the pastor based upon the first amendment. freedom of speech and freedom of religion. no governmental intrusion into the pulpit. >> i don't need the government protecting me from speech, i am a mature free-thinking american capable of making my own rational decisions about which candidate my priest said got wants know pick. (laughter) and, folks, it should not stop there, i want my religious leaders to weigh in on everything. judicial races, school board elections, bond
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 11:30pm PDT
, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools,
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 10:30am PDT
romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools, according to his aides, because he doesn't drink. >> colbert: yes. that is true. that is true. you should know that. only people who drink know how to sit on stools. that's why, whenever you see someone successfully sitting on one, that is an early sign of alcoholism. seek help!, please! >> the guy falling off the stool, that is your designated driver. and that is why last night's debate, i have to tell you, i mean, it was such a challenge for mitt. lack of stool experience. i mean, where would mitt have seen one? his kitchen counter? everyone knows the romney family eats standing at podiums. but once mitt managed to dock his butt with the international stool station, just like that, oh, then, then the candidates took their gloves off and everybody knows it. >> fight night at hofstra, a heated showdo
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 7:00pm PDT
is trying to read the tea leaves. except romney who as a mormon is allowed only to read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates. god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt i
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 11:30pm PDT
happened, like mitt romney unhinged his jaw and swallowed obama whole and then spend an hour and a half just like this, digesting him. but i don't know what happened. but i'm excited. here it is, your moment of zen. >> let's talk about... >> he made a fool of himself. he made a fool of himself in the last debate. >> the issue here... >> we are reaching that point tonight that i didn't want to reach. >> nobody captioning sponsored y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] ( cheers and applause ) chanting stephen's name] >> stephen: welcome to the report, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. nation, tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 1:30am PDT
presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option there's. -- options there. [ laughter ] of course, these debates may not matter at all. because there's one issue that could invalidate the entire election. >> voter fraud it's a big concern in this case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful, folks. anybody voting that i don't personally know is kind of suspicious. [ laughter ] thankfully, there are some heroes out there trying to keep this process pure. >> a republican worker is arrested for voter fraud. >> he is a contractor. >> someone working at a business in a local g.o.p. headquarters building spotted a man dumping voter registration form. they found 8 completed forms in the dumpster. >> ste
Comedy Central
Oct 11, 2012 11:30pm PDT
! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor wil
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 7:00pm PDT
mitt romney has been a severe conservative. but last week he moved to the center in his victorious debate. so which is the real mitt romney? a mystery this deep requires a man who really knows the meaning of "to thine own self be true." me, stephen colbert! this is formidable opponent. [cheers and applause] ♪ [bell ringing] >> stephen, thank you for joining me. >> well, i'll go on any show to promote my new book "america again, rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] next week, i'm guest-hosting "here comes honey boo boo." 'cuz a dollah makes me hollah! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> well, i'd never stoop that low myself, but i've got to admire shameless self-promotion. >> oh no-- there's some shame. [ laughter ] >> i'd love an autographed copy. >> you bet: okay. here we go. all right. to stephen, you complete me. stephen. all right. there you go. >> thanks very much. >> okay, stephen, voters respond to authenticity. so mitt's clear victory in the 1st debate proves his new moderate values are the real ones. >> you are adorable. who got sucked in by romney?
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2012 11:30pm PDT
up romney the latest polls have romney neck and neck with obama. folks, this race is as tight as mitt's smile when he meets a poor person. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) unfortunately, unfortunately, folks, there's still one poll out there that gives paum a chance. >> 7-eleven stores are giving voice to the people by offering a choice of coffee cubs in obama blue or romney red. the company says the votes people cast nationally can be used as valuable polling data. >> stephen: yes. in 7-eleven's cup hole, right now, obama is up by 20 points ( cheers and applause ) no, folks, wait a second. are we sure they're not using four--year-old data? because i'm pretty sure they're using four-year-old hot dogs. what is terrifying about this is the 7-eleven cup poll is uncharacterly accurate. >> did you know this promotion actually lined up perfectly with the results of a 2004 and 2008 elections? >> stephen: and who can forget in 2010 when they accurately predicted the election of senator shrek? ( laughter ) nation, i call bias on 7-eleven. their entire poll has a margin of error of plus or m
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 10:30am PDT
mitt romney. now, unfortunately, the latest quinnipiac/"new york times"/cbs/t.c.b.y. poll has obama up by ten points in ohio, nine points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania. (cheers and applause) i don't get it. i don't get it, folks. how can romney be behind? he's so popular that his fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches! (laughter) folks, don't believe the critics who say this campaign doesn't have a prayer. he's going to have plenty of prayers-- thank thanks to a new web site called 40daystosaveamerica.com. >> all around us we see a nation falling around us into attacks on religious liberty. we're asking pastors and congregations all over america to commit to 40 days of prayer, fasting, and action. prayer plus fasting plus action equals change. >> stephen: that's amazing. because usually prayer plus fasting plus action equals passing out. (laughter) now, the hero-- (applause) the hero behind this project is texas pastor rick scarborough who last august helped launch rick perry's presidential campaign with the stadium prayer rally and god responded with a polite "no thank
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 11:30pm PDT
by the liberal hacks over at fox news. (laughter) just listen to chris wallace drilling ryan over romney's proposed 20% across account board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter) it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how much would it cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> i'm talking about the cut, we'll get to the deductions. >> the cut in tax rates is lower all american tax rate by 20%. >> how much does that cost. >> it's revenue neutral. >> stephen: okay, revenue neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through al
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 11:30pm PDT
pole! mr. gorbachev, tear down this narwhal! (laughter) then mitt romney threatens iran. stop your nuclear program or he will cut off your pbs! (laughter) and my guest is music legend and animal rights activist morrissey in his honor, today my interns are free range! (cheers and applause) nasa's "curiosity" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surging! new polls have him tied with or leading the presid
Comedy Central
Oct 18, 2012 11:30pm PDT
an mccain bowl. he preferred the obama nuts and this year he favors romney nuts. (laughter) >> stephen: there it. (cheers and applause) folks, get used to the term president romney. hmmmm, hmmmm. oh that leaves a real taste in your mouth. what is that? i think that's-- that's romney nuts. (laughter) hmmmm, hmmmm. (applause) folks, it is going to be great. because mitt has got big plans right out of the gate. >> i will repeal obamacare and stop it in its tracks on day one. starting on day one. i'm going to do what it takes to get america back to work. >> on day one i will label china a currency manipulater. >> i can guarantee you if i'm president on day one we're going to get at approval from that pipeline from canada. >> i will on day one put a halt to all the regulations that were put in during the obama years. >> stephen: wow! the drive and ambition. i mean those are the qualities of a real leader. or a serious tweaker. (laughter) either way, m itt is going to keep those promises, i know. because i have his day one schedule right here. let's see. okay, here we go. january 20th, 2013.
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 81 (some duplicates have been removed)